Your Participation in Important Research on Grief at Work is Requested. I am a doctoral student studying bereavement leave. I am seeking assistance in answering the question: How do employees simultaneously negotiate bereavement leave, the responsibilities of work and concern for professional image, commitment to family, and grief over the loss of a loved one?

This research was inspired by my own experiences after the deaths of my parents, so I understand how difficult loss can be. My goal is to work toward improving the ways that organizations support bereaved employees.

How it Works

Participants will take part in a 30-50 minute interview where we talk informally about your experience. The interview will cover topics such as: taking time off for bereavement and your return to work. You can learn more at http://web.me.com/janellbauer/Site/Dissertation.html. 

  If you may be interested in participating, please contact me at janell.bauer@colorado.edu. 

I would just like to welcome my wonderful friend Auriell (auspie) to LJ. She is my first long-time friend to join and I hope that others will follow. It's such a nice way to reflect on what's going on in your life while also keeping in touch :-) I am going to try and post lots of things about how amazing Boulder is so that she will come visit!

Here are some names I am considering for the new puppy - would love feedback or ideas

Oliveoil - (or olive) to remind me if italy  (think on this one, i think it grows on you)
Chianti - italy
Lily- from a book I love
Amelia Earhart - my sister's idea since the googles look like a lady flyer
Lachen - laughing in german, after my mom's camp name
Souffle (sophie)
Dolce
Asha - means wish, hope, desire

I am trying to think of things related to eyes or sight since she has the cute eye markings

Spring break has been more stressful (internally) than I would have liked. I have done a few relaxing things, like going to the mountains and reading by a fire. But always underneath is the constant stress about how much needs to be done. Grading is taking forever. We have students do an organizational case study which is a ton of work for teaching and for the students and I am not sure how much they really get out of it. I am doing a mock labor negotiation on Thursday which I have never done before, I think it could be really fun or really terrible. It's hard because many of them have no idea what labor unions really are or what the pros/cons are. They are so far removed from labor that they don't get why it matters. I guess it's my job to give them the bigger picture.
I have my defense on Wednesday and I am having a hard time preparing because I really don't know what to expect. I can't believe it's two hours long. And it doesn't help that scheduling it has been a mess and we still don't have a room to meet in.
I keep trying to distract myself with the puppy search -- but even that isn't easy. After the ordeal with the first breeder I just want to find a new puppy and have it settled so I can start looking forward to having a little bundle of fun here in my home. But, these puppies are a bit hard to find and girls (which I want) are a bit more rare as is the coloring I have in mind. There is one possibility right now, but it may not have the right coat (which makes a huge difference in the look of the dog), I won't know for a few more weeks. There is a breeder in TX who may have one but they seem a little strange and unwilling to talk on the phone -- which is the opposite of everyone else I have talked to. Anyway, I just keep trying to be patient and tell myself that the right puppy will come along. Maybe all this nonsense has been to make sure I get just the right pup for me... I hope so.
On a more cheerful note, I love the snow. I am so happy we had this last storm. I was also so happy when it was so nice today that Heath & I went downtown, sat outside for lunch and enjoyed listening to a man play the guitar while the brave (or slightly drugged) danced around. Ah Boulder, what a weird place sometimes. Also, we watched a movie last night with a lot of soul music and it was so fun we are making a soul playlist today ;-)  ... but not until I am done grading so I better get back to it. Happy last-Sunday of spring break!

Okay, I know I rant a lot here ... but I cannot believe I am having so many computer problems the week before my comps. The diskdrive on my desktop broken so it only works when it's in the mood. This makes it very difficult to install the new printer software.
And my beloved laptop which is the heart of my existence right now keeps shutting down and taking forever to load when I restart it. It had a blue-screen shutdown, basically a self-preservation move :-( I am trying to decide if I should rebuild it and hope for the best. I would really like to use my own computer to write my comps -- which start on Monday! Sad times.

On a brighter note - as taxing as it is, I love reading feminist scholarship. There are so many things to be inspired by. For example, this quote by Aida Hurtado "Feminists' epistemologies are the only frameworks that have within them the seeds of their own destruction so that other frameworks can emerge to challenge their assertions: they have in them the breeding ground for blasphemy, which ultimatley is what will be needed to blast us out of the continuing construction of the structures of oppression" (1996, p. xii).

Also, on the horizon. I think I have finally made the decision to get a dog. There is a very cute and sweet little breed that I think I've got my heart set on. Yea :-)

Am so tired and overwhelmed. I feel like the more I read the less I know. So, I am trying to focus little things that make me feel better.
1. New pens - seriously loving the uniball jetstream!
2. I got out my mom's master's thesis and put it on my desk. I use it when I need a hard surface to write on and glance over at it when I am feeling alone. In a small way it makes me feel like she is here rooting for me.
3. Stretching
4. Turing my cell phone to silent
5. Buying a "chef made" dinner from the grocery store so that I don't have to cook or go out to eat
6. Occasionally screaming hysterically in my car and then turning up the music
7. Giving myself a pass on appearing to hold it together or "be positive" for a few moments a day (or more...)
8. Being kinder to my students, giving them praise and encouragement even when I am appalled by the crap they turn in
9. Not driving over to the gym (seriously - that's like an extra 45 min in my day if you count the roundtrip and shower)
10. Sleeping in until 8 tomorrow (here's hoping!)
11. Extra bonus: Thursday's lunch organization -- there is something amazing about making food for friends and eating together (even if it is in the office!)

It so frustrating when my study plans are foiled. Occasionally I need to get out of my house and into the world to study. It keeps me off the internet and boosts my energy to be out in the world. Unfortunately, there are so few places that are really good for studying -- that have a mix of treats (chai), good space and lighting, and background music. My favorite study spot downtown is closing, which I discovered when I arrived at their door this afternoon. I then went to plan B (loosing precious time). Luckily I found great parking, sadly Bob Marley was blaring so loud that I only managed to read 5 pages. The only upside to this frustrating afternoon that wasn't anwhere near as productive as I needed it to be was that I got to see my friends and even meet one of Margaret's lj friends!

Here's the thing about comps -- I feel this constant sense of time slipping though my fingers. I am in a constant state of caluculating "lost" time and feeling my stomach tighten in response. The difficult thing about this program is that you are always on someone else's timeline (given the 4 years of funding). Except that I don't seem to work according to the "ideal" timeline. Things take me longer, so I am always feeling behind, unpared, in a rush. Even when I close my eyes and think "one thing at a time" that zen breath is immediatly replaced by a scream -- I don't have TIME for "one thing at a time!"

Enough ranting. Time to get back to reading. What I really wanted to say was that the best thing about all this is having friends who distract you, who boost you up, and smile and say "well you have to take BREAKS"! Until the next one I'm just going to keep coping with one panic attack at a time :-)

The end of this semester feels a bit anticlimactic. I worked nearly around the clock the last few weeks of school to get my papers done. On Friday afternoon I breathed a sigh of relief and expected the clouds to part-- or to at least go out for a drink. But, my significant other has climbing trips planned all weekend and people seem to be doing lots of different things. Today I did a few things I have been putting off all semester. I pulled give-away clothes out of the closet and bagged them up. I did laundry and went to the grocery store. I organized some files. I now I am actually looking at my bookshelf wondering if I should start my summer reading. I could go out and meet some friends, but you know when you hang out alone all day and just kind of get in a quiet mode? It's hard to rally and get dressed up and go out. Ok, I just got another text message. Time to pull out the lip gloss and boots :-) Happy summer!

Yipee! Papers done! Sangria tonight :-)

Yea! My fem methods paper is finished - with three hours to spare. I love that I actually feel like I finished it EARLY :-) Still lots of work to do tonight, but tomorrow night I am going on a date with Heath. Looking forward to a little quality time before I submerge back into the library for the next paper.

On the bright side - I have had some excellent comedies to keep me going. I recommend "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" and "Baby Mamma" -- so nice to relax and have a good laugh! Also, South Park has been cracking me up :-)

I wanted to pass this on because I think it's a really important issue. Women in the US still only make 77 cents for every dollar earned by men. The disparity between these figures increases for minority women. Help remedy this inequity:
Please take two minutes to forward a message to our state senators regarding the Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act.
I promise, it only take two minutes: follow this link to the National Women's Law Center, fill out the form to send a message to Ken Salazar (one minute). Take minute number two to make sure the message gets to Sen Wayne Allard as well. The NWLC link gets you to his own webform.
https://secure2.convio.net/nwlc/site/Advocacy?pagename=homepage&page=UserAction&id=191
Last, if you want to go the distance for Fair Pay, forward the link to others and encourage them to use their voice!

1. I've come to realize that, my ex: is just a normal, somewhat lame, person

2. I've come to realize that, I talk: too much after 2 glasses of wine

3. I've come to realize that, I love: a warm bath

4. I've come to realize that, I have: a tendency to leave things until the last minute

5. I've come to realize that, I've lost: too much

6. I've come to realize that, I hate it when: i leave things until the last minute

7. I've come to realize that, marriage: is not security

8. I've come to realize that, somewhere, someone is thinking: about family

9. I've come to realize that, I'll always be: questioning

10. I've come to realize that, I have a crush on: taye diggs - duh

11. I've come to realize that, the last time I truly cried was: last week

12. I've come to realize that, My cell phone is: getting ignored more and more

13. I've come to realize that, When I wake up in the morning: i rarely feel ready for the day

14. I've come to realize that, Before I go to sleep at night I: like to read something comforting

15. I've come to realize that, Right now I am thinking about: what i can accomplish

16. I've come to realize that, Babies: are surprising

17. I've come to realize that, I get on Facebook: to procrastinate writing papers

18. I've come to realize that, Today I: I had a balanced day, I worked, I exercised, I relaxed

19. I've come to realize that, Tonight I will: not rally for karaoke

20. I've come to realize that, Tomorrow I will: teach and make time for a pedicure

21. I've come to realize that, I really want to: motivate

22. I've come to realize that, The person I love most: loves me too 

Right now I have two questions. 1. who invented the amp? 2. why did they do this to me? Right now my boyfriend is sitting in the other room "learning" to play the guitar. It's true that I did encourage this, but CLEARLY I meant the acoustic guitar! I have four more articles to read and a short paper to write - I guess it's time to break out the ear plugs.

So making friends in virtual space is kind of a strange experience:-) It has been really cool to read postings in the different interest areas. It is always nice to know that other grad students out there are struggling with the same issues. Although I might have to post some positive things so I don't get totally freaked out. I am muddling through school for a reason and for things I do really believe in.
Right now I am really looking forward to my sister coming to visit next week and to possibly seeing my CA friends and family over spring break. Ok, off to Pilates for a little mind body connecting :-)